Getting old

I felt the weight of it this afternoon. I understand I should be feeling thankful that Izzy is doing as well as she is. She looks good. I get to hear that a dozen times a day, sometimes from my own mouth. But she looks less and less like the daughter I love with each passing day. I am aware there are other families with children in far greater danger. McKenzie will eventually move to the point where she will be extibated and will be coming home with us. That does nothing to help the feeling I have each time we're told that the breathing tube won't be coming out today, but hopefully it will be tomorrow. Tomorrow has been moving steadily into the next day, and then the next. I am beyond tired of the word hopefully. I want to hold my daughter, not send her back into a coma-like state each time she fights her way to the surface of consciousness.

I imagine we will be going home yet again tonight. Phin needs a bit of stability in his life, as do we. I can't imagine feeling more useless these nights. Everything here will run its course with or without us. I know its important to be here, but it just gets more difficult to understand why.
Dale

4 Message(s)

Posted Apr 16, 2009 10:52pm

by Char Mazeppa

Dale, Your feeling useless is normal, it's hard as you said, to watch that little princess lay there like that and there's nothing you can do about it. You have to leave it in God's hands, Dale. Ask him to carry it for you and let Him. I've never been more serious...Let go and Let God....I don't mean to sound all drippy or religious fanatic but it's true....I've never felt a stronger bond with God and I just know that bright and happy days are just around the corner. Hang in there for a little while longer...be strong for Mel and for McKenzie and for little Phin. You are a good daddy, keep your chin up and a smile on your face no matter what. God will see you through this. Trust Him.
Love you all, Aunt Char xoxoxoxo and a HUGE HUG!!!

Posted Apr 16, 2009 6:57pm

by Dorie Neuhaus

Dale and Mel,
It's heart wretching whenever you can't touch your Izzy and I think that is part of what is causing this distancing feeling. Why is important to be there? Because, with or without words and touch, Izzy knows you are there and that you love her. It is exhausting. EVERYTHING about being a heart parent is exhausting. But you wouldn't give up Izzy for a less exhausting life - no way! Get some rest, eat a good meal and play with Phin. You all are loved by both God and all of us. We're here and we're praying. Give each other a big hug and kiss from all of us and when Izzy is up, give her some hugs and kisses from us, too. Just remember, while Izzy is resting, God is cuddling her for you. Our love to you all.
Dorie
cp: MatthewNeuhaus

Posted Apr 16, 2009 5:33pm

by Kim K

its hard and it sucks, take it one minute at a time. It will get better. prayers for all, kim

Posted Apr 16, 2009 5:29pm

by JOY K

I am so sorry to hear of these long days and nights and all people can say is hang in there. I know how horrible it can be so I will be praying for your family to find peace in waiting for the day you take your precious girl home. Heart hugs, Joy and Jilliann
cp sillyjilly07