Music

Music has always been at the core of Izzy's being. It defines her in so many ways. 

She was dancing before she could stand. She would dance, strapped in a hospital bed, connected to tubes. 

Music helped her learn to communicate. (Thank you, Baby Signing Time!)

Music always came easy to Izzy. Even as a preschooler, she'd learn all of the words to every song very quickly.

She loved to perform, but more than that, it was just who she was. Izzy has always been my Dancing Queen, full of music.

We had been noticing the changes in her. She can't dance like she used to. She's not always in song. She doesn't even listen to music in the same way. 

We also noticed that she was forgetting things more often and more easily distracted.

What we didn't know is how hard all of that was on Izzy.

Do you know "America's Got Talent"? It is a favorite in our house. Izzy has been obsessed with the show for years and has insisted she needed to go on and audition. I know she couldn't handle the length of time waiting to audition (even if she could handle the drive to the auditions). I also know that she needs to practice a lot more than she does to have the experience be positive.

What I didn't quite realize is that Izzy can no longer remember the words to songs. 

As we watched the "Judge Cuts", Izzy confided that she could not audition for AGT because she couldn't sing the songs any longer. She used to be able to sing all of the words to so many songs, but she couldn't remember them any more. She didn't know why she couldn't remember the words to songs any more, except the refrains. All she knew is that she couldn't do it. She was in so much pain admitting that the music is leaving her. 

It broke my heart to tell her my thoughts on the matter--that this is yet another symptom of heart failure. She crumpled into me, crying and clinging. One more loss because of her broken heart.

So much lately has been hard because of Izzy's sick heart. Her legs are swollen more often. (No, we couldn't find compression socks small enough for her.) She coughs so frequently when exhausted that she's made it a joke. Laughing too much will inevitably lead to chest pains. And so many other little things that are robbing Izzy of her childhood.

While things remain mostly stable, the entire situation is still miserably difficult. Not even music can make it all right any more.